A little while after having my second baby, I realized something I didn’t love admitting. I wasn’t being the wife I wanted to be, and I wanted to learn how to be a better wife to my husband.
Postpartum had been hard on our marriage. My husband was away half the week for work almost immediately after his paternity leave ended. I had a newborn who cried constantly, a freshly turned two year old glued to me, and our house was on the market so we temporarily moved into my parents’ home.
And unfortunately the person who got the brunt of that was my safe person, my husband. I didn’t like the version of myself I kept seeing and I knew we couldn’t keep on like this.
So I started searching for ways to be a better wife. Not a perfect wife. Just a little kinder, more encouraging, and loving one.
That’s when I stumbled across the audiobook How to Speak Life to Your Husband: When All You Want to Do Is Yell at Him. It was free with Amazon Prime and faith based, so I figured why not give it a try.
From the introduction alone I had already paused the audiobook twice and said “oof” out loud. It felt honest. Convicting. Encouraging. And incredibly practical. I was immediately taking notes, and I continued throughout the book because it just had so many good nuggets I felt compelled to write down.
I think so many other wives, other moms in the trenches like me, can relate to and learn from this book. So, I’m giving you my cliffnotes version in hopes you can learn from it right away and even be encouraged to listen to or read the book yourself.
Here are 7 takeaways that stuck with me from How to Speak Life to Your Husband: When All You Want to Do is Yell at Him by Ann Wilson.
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Why I Started Searching “How to Be a Better Wife”
Early motherhood is beautiful. It is also incredibly stretching. Sleep deprivation, hormone swings, constant demands, and the mental load of parenting can make even the strongest marriages feel strained.
For me, I noticed something uncomfortable. I was constantly “booing” my husband, as author Ann Wilson calls it. Sometimes when I was frustrated. Sometimes when I thought I was helping him improve. But it was a lot of booing, and on top of that, I was rarely actually cheering him on.
I didn’t want to keep showing up that way in my marriage. I wanted to learn how to be a better wife in the middle of real life, not just when everything felt easy.
This book helped me shift my mindset in ways that felt both practical and deeply rooted in faith. I’m incredibly grateful I found it, and I’m sharing it with the whole wide web in hopes other women who desperately need this book the way I did can grab hold of its wisdom, too.
Easy(ish) Ways to Start Being a Better Wife Today
If you’ve ever wondered how to be a better wife in the middle of real life, busy schedules, and parenting little ones, here are a few simple ways you can start today.
They’re my biggest takeaways from the book and how I’m working on implementing them in my own marriage. These small shifts in how we speak and show up in our marriages aren’t necessarily earth shattering but I’m already seeing that they really do make all the difference.
How I’m Speaking Life to My Husband (And what you can try too):
- Speak one piece of encouragement over him each day.
- Praise him for how he provides or cares for the family.
- Thank him for something specific he did this week.
- Pray for him outloud.
- Replace a complaint with an affirmation.
7 Things I Learned About How to Be a Better Wife from This Book
1. It’s Not My Job to Fix My Husband
One of the first things in this book that stopped me in my tracks was realizing I had taken on a role that was never mine.
I thought loving my husband meant pushing him to become the man God created him to be. I really believed part of being a good wife meant trying to help him improve. And I took that idea and ran with it. Marathon style.
But the book pointed out something that made me literally pause the audiobook and say “oof” out loud. Twice.
It’s not my job to change my husband. It’s God’s.
I can encourage my husband. I can bring something to his attention when it matters. But it isn’t my responsibility to constantly monitor, correct, or improve him. It’s not my job to “fix” him. That heart change is between him and Jesus.
And honestly, when I stopped trying to manage his growth, our marriage felt lighter. Less tense. Less like he was being evaluated all the time and more like he had an actual partner for a wife not a bad boss.
The surprising part? I started noticing more positive change when I stopped getting in the way trying to force mine.
Sometimes learning how to be a better wife starts with stepping back and leaving room for God to do the work that was never ours in the first place.
Try this today:
Next time you feel the urge to correct your husband, pause. Say a quick prayer instead. Ask God to handle what you’re tempted to control.
2. Husbands Are Like Houseplants
This analogy from the book stuck with me immediately.
Your husband is like a plant. Stay with me here…
When a plant has a brown leaf, we prune it. But pruning isn’t the only thing a plant needs to thrive. It needs sunlight, water, and some tender love and care.
Ann explains that if all we ever do is prune a plant and never nurture it, eventually all we’re left with a “lifeless stump.” The same thing happens in our marriages when criticism is the main thing our husbands hear from us.
If every conversation is pointing out what he did wrong, what he forgot, or how he could do something better, he slowly stops feeling like it’s worth trying at all.
And honestly… who would feel inspired or motivated in that environment? I sure wouldn’t. And neither did my husband.
I realized I had been doing a lot of pruning. Way more pruning than watering. No one thrives in a marriage like that. But thankfully, God gives us grace and the ability to learn to do better. And that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.
Sometimes learning how to be a better wife means realizing that encouragement fuels growth way more than criticism ever could.
Try this today:
Catch yourself the next time you start mentally listing what your husband did wrong. Then challenge yourself to find one thing he did right instead. Bonus points if you give him the compliment.
3. Cheer Him On (Especially When It’s Hard)
This was the shift that really changed things for me.
The book talks about how the more we cheer our husbands on, the more confident and capable they become. And that confidence usually leads to better actions and stronger leadership in the home.
At first that sounded a little too simple to me. And somehow too hard all at the same time.
We were in such a stressful season. It didn’t feel like there was a lot of good to cheer on. And it didn’t seem like something as small as some “atta boy’s” would really make a difference.
Boy, was I wrong.
When I started intentionally looking for the good, even small things, something shifted in me. I softened. And when I voiced those positive things out loud, my husband lit up in a way I hadn’t seen in a while.
Intentionally doing this kept me constantly reminded that I married this man for a reason. There was a ton of good there long before the stress of parenting and real life. And there was even more now if I would just take my “martyred mom” blinders off.
Sometimes learning how to be a better wife simply means choosing to see and speak the good that’s already there. Even in tough seasons when it feels harder to find.
Try this today:
Think back over the last 24 hours and find one thing your husband did that you appreciate. Tell him. Simple encouragement goes way farther than we realize. Bonus points if you do it more than once.
4. Respect Matters More Than Many We Realize
Something the book gently reminded me of is that our husbands are worthy of respect even when their recent behavior hasn’t been particularly respectable.
That doesn’t mean we ignore problems or pretend things are perfect. But it does mean we remember our role, which is to love and respect the men we chose to build a life with.
Ann and her husband both explain that men may not always say it out loud, but respect from their wives hits something deep in their hearts. Respect speaks to something deeper in men. In a lot of ways, it matters more than hearing “I love you.” It communicates trust. Admiration. Belief in who they are as a husband, father, and leader of the family. And when a husband feels respected by his wife, it changes how he shows up in a marriage.
But respect for our husbands starts long before what we say to their face. It starts in our hearts and in our thoughts. In how we think about them. And how we speak about them to others.
Somewhere along the way it became normal (even trendy) to bash our husbands. It happens all the time online. It happens in conversations between women. The eye-rolling jokes. The “ugh, husbands” comments. The subtle digs in the name of venting. It’s easy to join in without even realizing it.
And how we speak about them to others directly impacts how we speak to them. It’s especially true for how we speak to our husbands when we’re frustrated or overwhelmed or hurt.
That realization made me pay attention to the small things. “Venting” to friends. Sarcasm. Eye rolls. An impatient tone when I was overwhelmed. None of those things were meant to tear him down. But they were still quietly communicating disrespect.
Learning how to be a better wife sometimes starts with choosing respect in our hearts first. The words and tone usually follow.
Try this today:
Pay attention to the words you say in your head and outloud about your husband today. Look for one opportunity to speak about him with admiration or respect. Bonus points if it’s to him.
5. Your Husband Is Not the Enemy
One quote from the book that really made me stop and think was this: “In the battle for your marriage, the last thing you should do is turn your weapons on your teammate.”
That one felt a little like a gut punch. Because if I’m honest, there were way more moments than I’d care to admit where my words felt a lot like weapons.
Our words are powerful. And they should never be meant to wound the one person we made a holy vow to love. For better or worse, right?
The truth is, even though stress and parenting and busy life circumstances can sometimes make it feel that way, your husband is not the enemy. Satan is. And the enemy loves seeing a husband and wife slowly turn against each other.
It’s a slippery slope from quiet discontent → bitter resentment → open contempt. And it gets even easier when we start viewing our husband as the problem instead of our partner.
Our actions usually follow our thoughts. So when we start thinking about our husband as an opponent, our tone and behavior tend to follow right behind. Sarcasm. Cutting comments. The “I do more than you” arguments.
I started noticing how quickly my irritation showed up in way too many of those small ways. And once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee how much damage those little moments were doing.
I didn’t want that to be the influence I had in my marriage. I wanted to use the influence I have as a wife to build my husband up. To show him how deeply I love him. To remind him that I still believe in the good, honorable man I married.
But if I wanted to do that, I first had to change the way I viewed him.
He isn’t my enemy. He’s my teammate. My best friend. My biggest support system. The person I chose to build a life with. And he’s an imperfect child of God that deserves graces, just like me.
And the more I’ve leaned into that kind of thinking, the more my actions follow it. I give the benefit of the doubt more often. I lead with curiosity instead of jumping straight to blame. I extend more grace, to both of us.
And interestingly, the more I’ve done that, the more our marriage actually feels like a team again. Not because he changed really (although he does shine more when I give him breathing room to) but because I changed how I view things.
Sometimes learning how to be a better wife means setting our pride aside and choosing to see the good in the person who is on your team, even on their off days (or weeks).
Try this today:
The next time you catch yourself on the “he’s against me” thought train, pause and remind yourself that you’re on the same team. Then list a few ways you and your husband work well together. Bonus points if you share them with him.
6. Truth Matters, But Delivery Matters More
Another big realization for me from this book was that speaking the hard truths isn’t actually what causes the problems in marriages. It’s the way those truths are delivered.
How we say it means way more than what we’re saying.
Ann calls it the “wrapping” like when you give a gift. The packaging matters. You can share something honest and important while still packaging it with love, patience, and good timing. She says Jesus is the perfect example of this. He didn’t sugar coat. He didn’t beat around the bush, but he didn’t spitefully beat you over the head with it either. He was direct but loving, leaving you a path forward. He told you how it was in a way you could hear when you were in a headspace where you could hear it.
One thing to know about me – I am not know for sugar coating things with the people I love. I’m known for being direct, giving you a loving but not so gentle kick in the pants, and saying it how I see it. And quite a few times, I’ve been told I could have said things nicer. Even though what I said was valid, my delivery sucked enough that I turned people away from hearing it.
So, I decided my wrapping could use a serious upgrade, especially with my husband.
Instead of blurting frustrations in the moment, I started thinking about how to say things in a way that would actually invite listening. I tried to pick times when I knew my husband would be more relaxed and ready to talk instead of rushing to talk just because I was ready. I even took a Gentleless Challenge during Lent to only speak with kindness toward my family. Not at all an easy feat I’m embarrassed to share and something I’m still working on.
But the more I try, the more I notice little shifts in my husband. When I change the way I talk to him about tough stuff, when I don’t just prune and I try to nurture too, he’s more receptive. He’s more open to talking. He shares more. He’s less defensive and more willing to consider my opinions and perspectives even if they’re not what he agrees with.
Our talks are longer, deeper, more genuine, more connected, and more loving. Not because I’m changing the content of the truth, but because I’m changing how I deliver it.
Sometimes being a good wife means choosing to speak the truth with love and encouragement instead of bitterness and ulterior motives.
Try this today:
If you need to bring something up to your husband, start with appreciation first. Then share the concern calmly.
7. Not Every Thought Needs to Be Spoken
This one hit close to home.
I’m a verbal processor. If I feel frustrated, my instinct is to say it when I feel it. Or even if I don’t say it out loud, my face sure does. But this book reminded me that some thoughts are really just half-baked emotions that need more time to cook.
To use Ann’s much better analogy, words are like seeds. There’s a time and place for planting them that will yield the best growth. If we plant them at the wrong time (like right when he walks in the door from a hard day) or in the wrong place (like when you actually go out to dinner for the first time in forever) there’s about a 0% chance that seed’s going to take root. It’s just wasted.
And that clicked for me because how many times had I felt like I was wasting my breath saying something to my husband. When in reality, I was choosing the wrong time and the wrong place, and usually the wrong wrapping, too.
Figuring out when and how to say something, or if we should even say it at all, isn’t so easy. The good news is we don’t have to do it on our own.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is pause, pray, and wait for a nod from God before you speak.
And I can guess what you’re thinking because it’s probably same thing I was thinking, too. That could take forever! What if it’s something I really need to say? What if it’s something he really needs to hear? What if I never get a nod? That, my friend, is where prayer and self discipline come in.
If you really need to say it, say it to God first. Lay it all out for Him. If you’ve never prayed like that, like you’re talking to a friend, I’m going to strongly encourage you to try it because it’s one of the most freeing things you can do. And once God hears you, I promise He will find a way to let you know when to share it with your husband. And if you never get that nod, well, there’s your answer, too. And that’s where self-discipline to keep your mouth closed comes in, even when it’s insanely hard.
Even though I was skeptical, I gave this a try. I stopped myself before I shared, and then I asked God (sometimes in my head and sometimes out loud) “should I say this?” And then I waited. Sometimes it was an instant Nope or Later because just asking the question was enough to make me realize it. Other times I needed a full on conversation with God to figure out what I really thought and feel before I shared it. And other times I realized that my frustrations didn’t even need to be said at all.
The result? Less nagging from me. Less “good intentioned” criticism. Less negativity. And less frustration for all of us, which left much more room for connecting and contentment.
Sometimes being a good wife means keeping things to yourself unless you’re sure it’s the right time, place, and wrapping to deliver it. And sometimes, it just simply means keeping it between you and God.
Try this today:
Before sharing something critical, ask yourself. Is this going to help? Is this the right moment? Then ask God in a quick (or not so quick) prayer.
If You’re Trying to Be a Better Wife Too
Learning how to be a better wife isn’t about being perfect.
It’s about being willing to grow.
I still have moments where I’m snappy. I still catch myself lecturing or “beating a dead horse” as my husband lovingly calls it.
But I’ve also noticed real change in myself and in our marriage the more I put the effort in to grow and change. It’s been the reset we both knew we needed but didn’t know how to do it. And it’s all because I found Ann’s book and opened myself up to doing some uncomfortable (but rewarding) work on myself.
If you’re in a season where you want to speak more life into your husband and your relationship, to be a better fie, this book is an incredible resource and I can’t recommend it enough .
You can check it out here:
→ How to Speak Life to Your Husband: When All You Want to Do Is Yell at Him by Ann Wilson
It’s honest, faith filled, and full of those moments that make you stop and say “oof… I needed that.” I’m still learning and working on these things, but it’s already made a world of difference in my marriage. I hope it does for yours, too.
Happy learning!
Wanting to take this further and do more inner work on yourself?
I wrote a short practical guide to help overwhelmed moms quiet the mental noise, gain clarity in hard moments, and feel confident navigating motherhood — one mindset shift at a time.
If you’ve felt like your thoughts are too loud or too negative and you’re looking for more mental clarity, The Chaos to Clarity Mini-Guide: Simple Shifts for Clearer Thinking in Motherhood is for you!
